My Own Worst Enemy

     For some reason I am finding myself incredibly irritable today. The bad thing is that I know I'm irritable and I can't help responding in a way I know I shouldn't to the people around me. I've been short. I've been curt. I've been quick to snap a response. I hate being like this, but it's hard for me to stop...which also irritates me. It's not an excuse, but I think I am really feeling the stress of my final semester at OU and the culmination of my capstone course is making me feel like I've wasted the past couple of years. Capstone courses are supposed to be tough, but I feel like my idea, which the professor has been supportive of, is falling flat.

     When I applied to OU a few years back I was considering two paths for a degree - the Graphic Design program and the IT management degree. I know these are two very different paths, but I was weighing options between something that seemed creative and something that would be in high demand. I had applied to each program and got accepted. So in the fall of 2016 I started my work on a degree in Graphic Design. As I moved through the program I was having more and more issue registering for classes because my SAIL profile reflected that I was pursuing a degree in IT management (basically, based on when I had applied and got accepted into each program, my profile had reflected the second program I was accept into.)
 
     In order to make scheduling easier I reached out to my adviser to get the problem corrected. She had sent me a form with the instructions to complete it and return a signed hard copy to her office and she would get things adjusted in the SAIL system for me. A couple of days later I returned the completed form and dropped it off. After another day or two she reached out informing me that I would actually need to set up an appointment with the CAS office. So, later that day I followed her instructions and scheduled an appointment. Another day or two passed and the CAS office called me to inform me that I would need to reach out to undergraduate advising and they should be able to help me get the issue fixed. The following day, after a morning class, I stopped in the undergraduate advising office and explained my situation...to a few different people that I kept getting passed over to.

     Eventually there was an adviser who overheard me explaining my situation and he walked over. He excused his interruption and said, "Sorry, I overheard what you were saying and I think I can help. Your best bet is probably to re-apply and once your application is accepted you're SAIL profile should be corrected and then you shouldn't have any more issues trying to register." I was thankful for his help and when I returned home that afternoon I went into the application section of OU's website and went to resend my electronic paperwork.

     However, before I hit send, something made me look at the program listings on OU's academic handbook. I had notice that there is a degree offered in Creative Writing which I clicked on out of curiosity. Once inside the degree information I noticed that within the CW program is a specialization in screenwriting. This is significant because for a majority of my life I have wanted to write screenplays. I've probably read nearly a dozen books on screenwriting that contain about a dozen different theories and templates on how to approach the art of screenwriting. It's a tough business, but for some reason I felt like this was a sign - the issues with my SAIL profile, the fact that I clicked on the program offerings, the fact that I noticed the CW program and decided to click on it, the fact that there is a screenwriting program, and the fact that I've wanted to write screenplays for so long.

     Before hitting send on my application I went back in and switched it to the Creative Writing program. I felt like fate had intervened and pushed me in a direction that I had been wanting to go in for such a long time. My heart soared. I felt such excitement and hope. Like finally my life was falling into place and things felt so right. When I received my acceptance into the program I was elated! The next day I contacted the adviser for that program and set up a meeting to map out my future plan of study. When we met I found it almost impossible to wipe the smile from my face.

     Fast forward almost two years later and now I'm feeling lost yet again. I've put together an idea for my senior project and the feedback was that it's good, but could use some work. And that's okay, but now I'm struggling to figure out how to make it great! I'm trying to figure out a way to take my idea viable and show that all the work that I've put in...the years of dreaming about this...that I wasn't wrong in pursuing this...that I hadn't misinterpreted what I thought was a sign.

     I guess this is what being an artist is all about. No matter what there is always that little bit of doubt that hovers around in our psyche. There's that voice in our head telling us that we aren't good enough. There's a voice asking us how we're going to make a living doing this or that. I think most of us self-edit, self-criticize, and self-question. So, I've been feeling a little irritable which is probably stemming from some stress about trying to be my best. But as I've been writing through this it's made me realize that I need to give my best effort. I need to try and deliver the best possible work I can. Maybe I'll succeed. Maybe I'll fail. Not everything we do is going to be great. Sometimes we will fail, but what we do with that and what we learn from that will define us. But there is a reason that I'm on this path. There is a point and a purpose. I can't allow doubt to win. A lot of people aren't going to believe in us or our dreams, but each one of us should be our biggest supporters. Each one of us needs to believe in our abilities...and in our dreams.